Fun Facts From Zach's Almanac: All I want for Christmas...

1. I wish that the 800 million people who are under fed and under nourished in the world can find some decent food or move to some place where they can grow it for themselves on a regular basis. I hear there are lots of places with good soil on this planet (its called "Earth" fer chrissake!) instead of repeatedly killing seed in sun baked, nutrient depleted crap dirt!
2. I wish the 3 million displaced people of Casmir and Pakistan, due to earthquakes can find shelter for the winter. (Fortunately many already have industry and employment. Call for computer support sometime. Who answers the phone? Uh-huh.)
3. I wish Tracy Chapman would stumble upon what polyphonic melodies and chord progressions are before ClearChannel radio bombards us with another of her latest "tunes" every 15 minutes on network radio. I know 3 year olds in sandboxes that can compose with more complexity and color!
4. Speaking of radio, I wish NPR would finally come up with enough ch-ching to really give network radio a run for its money. Then perhaps admit that with operating figures at multi-millions of dollars each year that they too, truly are network radio and get off my back for pledge drives seemingly every month ending in the letters L, E, Y, T and/or R.
5. I wish that George Bush and the current administration could have at least a fleeting understanding of the concepts of truth and accountability and then, realizing they'll never get beyond the theoretical aspects of these ethics, leave office to someone…anyone else. I don't care if it's one of the Gambinos!
6. I wish that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie would develop some actual talent or die from the lack of oxygen in the entertainment vacuum that they've helped create. No. No. That's cruel and unrealistic. Um…dying would be more likely achievable, would suffice nicely and would make a lot of peoples lives simpler.
7. I wish Time Magazine would stop spending a year looking for its "Person of the Year" and then ultimately pick multiple people and call them "Persons of the Year". It hurts their credibility by appearing indecisive and really decreases my chances to be chosen for this coveted honor.
8. I wish, just once, someone would witness both the Boogie Man and Osama bin Laden in the same place at the same time so we could know for sure that they really are two separate entities.
9. I wish Will Farrell would never be cast as the lead in another movie. Ok, well maybe Anchor Man II if it ever gets made and only with those other guys in it… but that's about as far as I'll go.
10. And finally, now that victory in the war on terror is well within reach and we have been assured for years that a free Iraq will eradicate global terrorism completely, I wish Dennis Miller would put his brief Monday Night Football color commentary career faux pas and fear of being personally attacked behind him, return to his liberal, "question authority" roots and regain his original sense of humor. (Actually, Dennis "that's just my opinion...I could be wrong. Let's have pie!!")